Sunday, January 13, 2013

Incessant Rant and Update

It’s been almost one year now that we found out about my mom’s cancer. This last year has been trying, to say the least. The fear that takes over your entire existence when you receive such devastating news is, well, overwhelming for lack of a more profound word. My mom is the one with the illness, yet my entire family has been affected, obviously. I love her more than the earth and the moon and the stars. She has kept this family together for… well, always. She has always been the strong one, the one everyone looked too. Then she got sick and I was suddenly thrust into that roll. I tell you it is one very hard job, especially being so far away from all of my family. Nonetheless, I picked up the gauntlet and have tried very hard to fill her shoes but oh how I have struggled. My whole world has seemed to have fallen apart and I have felt sadness, anger, humility, hopelessness, love and resentment towards my mom, and because of all of that, I have felt an overwhelming guilt for those feelings above all else. Guilt for being healthy, for being glad it wasn’t I that got sick; for loosing hope and being constantly fearful that she’s going to loose this battle; I have been angry that she has confided things in me, things that I shouldn’t know at this point in my life. The worst guilt for resenting her, because the one person I needed most in my life, my life that has spun out of control, I haven’t even been able to tell her of the destruction of my marriage. I haven’t had her to lean on because she has had enough to worry about with her illness, chemo and everything else. I haven’t been able to talk to her. I am angry at, I don’t know, cancer itself I suppose.

I have tried to stay strong and not show how weak and insignificant I feel I have become. I tried to push on and stay strong. Escaping from the reality of fear, I delved into writing, putting my emotions into words I suppose. I’ve been selfish to a point and have made some very stupid mistakes, pushed at things I shouldn’t have, DONE things I shouldn’t have with people I had not reason to, except maybe to try and feel something other that what I was. The madness that my life has become scares me. I want to scream and shout and hurt, just as I am. I want to run away from the world. Take a break. Is there a way to do that? I sound like a pouty brat right now, not getting my way. (More guilt) I started out meaning for this to be an update on my mom, but I am afraid that it has been more of a rant, for that I am sorry. I suppose I am overwhelmed more so today. My mother, my poor dear mother, has been strong and gone through 7 ½ months of Chemo and all the hellish amounts of side effects that go with it. Last month, she was to go in for surgery to remove the last of the omentum and her ovaries to lessen the chance of recurrence. An MRI was done mid December that showed there was a new mass that had grown, even with the chemo. As she prepared to have surgery two days after Christmas, she came down with an infection, hence putting off her surgery until this month. Another MRI was done last week and the news received was devastating to say the least. The mass, in one month, had doubled in size. Her surgery is scheduled for this Thursday and I am preparing at the moment to travel up to be with her and my dad for her surgery and her stay in the hospital. That gauntlet is as heavy as Thor’s hammer right now and the breadth of my emotional stability is wavering. I know I can do this. Someone told me that I have to so I will. I know my problems and fear and even who I am, have surely been forgotten by him, his words, the words of a stranger, never rang truer than they do in this moment.

I would like to say a special thank you to that person. Now, to all my other twitter friends, I would like to say a very special heartfelt thank you. You have helped me in more ways than any of you all will ever know. Thank you for supporting me, encouraging me, laughing at and with me and for putting up with my incessant moments of, let’s just say hormonal yearnings of certain people. I never would have made it through this last year without being able to escape from my crazy world with you all. I am profoundly grateful that I have found such true friendship with/from you and will be forever in your corners if ever you need. I would like to put out this prayer in the world today. I pray for an end of this hell that my mother and our family have gone through, and to those who have helped me survive it to date.